Failure

 January appears to be a long month for a start.

2021 was no fun at all... the beginning of the year billions of people celebrated January for a restart due to covid  to a month full of sorrow.

Define failure. It is never in my book cause to me it is not an option. i choose not to. But somehow surrounding kept me held with this thought. I have made believe that im good in everything i do. I still am that is how i get going but maybe the truth is, that ego i have never bring me anywhere tht im suppose to be, i am trapped within the innerself that i brought upon myself .To be a figure that is  best in everything not to  what should make me happy.

 It is a long gone story i cant be molded anymore, it is embedded deep in my deepest thought. i will never  be a failure and keep doing what im doing to live. Survival.

I was living and trying so hard to escape the life i once in, but realizing that im currently in one, slightly in different situation kills me. If anyone can see the agony i have; constantly fight the thought in my head. A battle i cant dismiss and the fact i cant really be myself cause i should have grown up by now. NO ONE TO TEND TO ME EXCEPT ME. All i know i do care about my mellow emotional episodes i have , the longevity of having an understanding heart to heart session that im no longer capable of.The mind stray from what the heart desire cause it doesn't fit the life i have, what an irony and it blindsided me.

I develop a core to remediation with talking to myself . Having another oneself that should bear the same understanding and expressing the right word so that i can calm myself in faster rate, so that i can be ok, appear ok to others. Once  thought what am i fighting for this life, what more, what escape that i really want? What more.

It is really hard to escape but im slowly getting better at it . The most part that i dont know is whether if it will consume me, eating me inside out while im pretending to be someone else. 

 i wish i can tell what i felt in the most comfortable way but it is not that easy . All the self help i read encourage for living in present and not dwell on the past. I wish i could . but hey i am trying . I wont take that  problem is me cause if i do, it doesnt do me any good. im just gonna take this as what i am and if people cant stand it then be it. I have no time and no part in me to entertain them.

Life is short i do wish i have a short life. I remember my thought when i was a child for Allah just to take my life away, i even pray to him before sleep so that i died in my sleep but here i am still able to open my eyes breathing in his world. I wondered and planned my suicide thought if i jumped off a building will i instantly die cause thats the purpose to die, INSTANT DEATH and  not to inflict sympathy if i survive the attempt and to live a miserable life when i failed to kill myself. I even wonder what happen if i got into road accident will i die on the spot? maybe it is not my time. And each day Allah spared my life. FOR that im trying to do good in my life towards my family, husband and inlaws and friends. I just dont now how long the cycle would be till it is really my time.

sometimes i ponder to my own thought, i didnt go this far just to die casually. I didnt live this hard life and survive each day to kill myself. A setback that made me down, not getting what i want and hope for makes me wanna end myself , it is the thought that lingers as toxic in my head and i guess it is too late to have it removed. for i have tried and here is what the thought i have. It it sutcidal i wish i can stop and it is not easy. At least to me.

Sparing it here so that i can have a moment with myself for greater good.

truly

MMNAT